Thursday, August 23, 2007

Germaphobe, Tv ! and 50 cent

arrgh everyone who knows me, knows i am a germaphobe!!! I am scared of germs ! i turn everybody i know into germaphobes. I try not to touch the train poles, elevators, door knobs. Using public bathrooms is scary as heck men! I touch the door with my elbow and flush with my leg. I cant even consider sitting down on the toilet seat DISGUSTING!!! Do you know the amount of germs , microbes that live in this world ewww! the only thing i cant escape is shaking hands especially in church.
Especially in Naija churces AARGH!!!!'
why does the pastor insist on telling us to shake , hug, or do whatever to the person sitting next to us.
One day this guy i was sitting next to was just coughing! coughing! and coughing into his hands. wiping his nose with his hands ! kept fiddling with his nose! I felt bad for him but DISGUSTING!!!!! oh mi gosh! my friend and I were already preparing ourselves for when the pastor would do the customary shake someones hands and edging away from the guy. IMMEDIATELY the pastor said it, we kept shaking each other for like minutes. we didn't turn to the guy, Then the guy kind of tapped my friend to shake her and can you imagine the girl jaboed me IMMedaitely! she just high tailed out of church literally! I had no choice I ran out with her also. We dissolved into laughter at the door but came back later after getting the "look at these Jezebels " looks from the ushers who I am sure are worse than us.

Moving on!
Does anyone notice how BET is now just like MTV? i am not surprised both companies are owned by the same person. Black people need to get some quality shows that portray black people in a good light. And i don't mean shows like Baldwin Hills. ps the ghetto chick is a hoochie! but a fun hoochie! shes the most interesting character on the dry show. I mean the same company owns MTV Vh1 and BET. BET is now a clone of MTV. Its weird that Black TV is owned by a predominately white company!

Moving on again
Shower hour on Bigbrother Like WTF!!!??? I know we are hypocritical in Africa esp Naija but this is disturbing! they would never do such on Us tv. Anyway i get that big brother is on cable in Africa but......this is taking it too far. And who would want to see unedited naked people. People look disgusting naked! its true! without good lighting and camera we should keep that shit to ourselves. How does showing them in the shower add to the story? just my opinion. Its just sad how naija copies every negative thing from the west. there have all the naija versions of yankee tv shows . The government cant be bothered to copy more positive examples from yanks. And the naija version of Who wants to marry a millionaire does not qualify as a postive example!!!

Moving on again and again

Doesn't 50 cent look like a little bitch in this picture. He has a new uninspired album out and you know that's time for a publicity stunt again right!!! he has this "who will sell more albums" thing with kanye west. I was so going to support kanye but when i heard he made gazillions of dollars last year ,I decided to just just download his music illegally! the man is making enuff chedder i dont know why i should help him get richer ! But for real. 50 cent has the same bit, same lyrics, same thing!!
How stupid and generic is his new song with Justin timberlake! Ayo technology!!!??? for real!!!!
okay that's all
FB is dry again
No joke
toodles !!!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

sex sex sex

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:a) lovemakingb) screwingc) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town2.

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationshipb) your blood-test resultsc) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:a) your partner climaxes firstb) you both climax simultaneouslyc) you don't miss Man U vs Arsenal

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:a) healthy, creative love-playb) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend could ever agree toc) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:a) the best part of the experienceb) the second best part of the experiencec) N5000 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:a) impossible - she looks too gorgeous!b) not a problem, she can join your gymc) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:a) a mythb) an oxymoronc) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:a) appetizer is to entreeb) primer is to paintc) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?a) "I hope we can still be friends."b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacyb) is uptight and a waste of timec) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Score 1 point for every answer "a" Score 2 points for every answer "b" Score 3 points for every answer "c" Your Score10 points: You are a saint, a liar, or a eunuch. 11-20 points: You are an average joe. Good luck in the battle of the sexes. 21-30 points: You are a real man's man. Your fear of intimacy with women and your love of men's sports screams latent homosexuality. You need a nice she-male dominatrix to teach you respect. 31-40 You can't add.

Anyway I finally found something midly interesting on FB so decided to put it up!
So what is the topic in question today! sex , sex and more sex!
infact I am back to blogging full time
wel before i go on a three month break again oh!!!

the topic today is Blow jobs. since i am new in the game i try to get more information on the whole sordid deal. I have friends who are at both extremes ,some wont do it , others are experts who give us newbies some tips.
Anyway I am not officially a bad girl * COUGH* COUGH***
I guess I am just going a little crazy because i was never a bad girl in college. PLS ALLOW NOW!!
Anyway YOB so loved it. i mean he looked at me like i was the best thing since sliced bread. I aint going to lie I did feel a sense of power doing it sha. But its kind of demeaning to women . But to each his own.
SO what do you guys think about it? Vixen or Baltimore?
Oh yeah the taylor woman is wazky but she speaks the truth!!!!

till we meet again oh!
ps i am thinking of changing the blog to invite only. CNG might actually read this shit !

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

the prodigal sister returns -boys boys boys, summer sorry vixen!

i havent updated since may . wow is any one still there except naija vixen sha
yep its only the VIXEN here
girl i would have deleted this blog if not for you but you know you are my sister now
so i haven't blogged since may and this is august
what has happened in my all the time DRY life!!!
Well, i graduated oh. Thank Jesus.
I will not be a SUPER SENIOR .Some people have been in school for 6 years. Abeg it don do. leave school. Especially these agbaya useless Naija boys who refuse to leave school.Please GO!!! they will continue chasing skirts around. I was the victim of agbayantis . This bobo didn't take no for an answer
I was also a victim of "Ilikeolderwomen itis" . This yeye 18 year old convinced himself that he was in love with him.
See me see trouble oh ! You would think YOB would act jealous like in all those romance novels oh . NO! he was laughing . He calls me a sugar mommy now. Speaking of YOB , I shouldn't have done the nasty with him. Like DAMN!! He has been like a kid with a new toy. I Am a freak but not that much!!! Please let my "tender parts" rest. Oh he got really irritated when CNG told him that her older brother wanted to "chase me too. I aint even going to LIE!!!!!!!!!!! my head was swelling. THAT boy is FINE!!!! you know one of those guys that you re like "Boy i dont care if you cheat on me, i just want to be seen with you in public " Like Damn ! Anyway i am glad he got a LITTLE jealous.
anyway I am glad , now i am a graduate with the most useless degree ( bio) Of to med school.
Until then I will ALWAYS be broke. . It sucks when all your friends are career women and you are the youngest and brokest.
But one day sha I will be a rich bitch !!!!!!!!!!! even if it kills me!
i have to read for the mcat and sha start applying so no more partying for me!!!
this Summer was CRAZY with the amount of partying and partying and partying
anyway i think i am becoming too nice. i racked my brain for someone to yap but i cant. oh well i could just mention that a certain yello paw paw in a nija group still cannot sing ! i am sorry ! use beats or electronics , she still cant. Anyway jennifer lopez cant sing either so shes in good company. jlo reminded me of beyonce falling on her ass. when i watched it i laughed and laughed and then laughed so much. Priceless !!
i said i wasnt going to hate anymore but it just the truth. i read my last post and i get nightmares when i see the face of "my i am pained no one dances with me " Ok that was mean . God I repent :)
Anyway I am liking Banky. The ebutte metta song was catchy sha. although its the umbrella ella ella e e tune that makes it good it lacks originality but he is talented .
on my gosh i said something NICE! what is wrong with me!!!!??? i must be going CRAZY!!!
I am a mean girl now! ok a nice mean girl.
Beauty in Baltimore I watched that Taylor woman . Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL !! LMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FUNNY !
"dick will make you slap somebody " "piloting the pussy " " Penis power " Power of the pussy"
The woman is a HOOT !!! and that was her mother she was talking to . Imagine me telling my momsie all this SHIT! that will be the day!!!! my friends and i call it "power of the puswah" when we are in public. speaking of pussies. I was laughing so much in Transformers . meen . went to watch it with the girls but we were cracking up for the wrong reason.
first this movie was too long
then too cheesy
Lines from the movie - You are a soldier now!" " whatever happens i will always be with you" and dont forget the love affair btw the robot and the guy . Like come on now.
Anyway we nicknamed the goodie robot as octimuspussy. I know immature but funny sha .
what else happened this summer . yeah fun ! fun ! fun ! i cant remember all and i am to lazy to remember sha .
in other man news I think one guy is trying to place me as a fuck buddie oh! see me see trouble. hmm. he does the whole friends thing but Will not stop texting me about hanging out and doing stuff together. Like every weekend !!!! Homie i have a bobo now. He wants to spend every weekend with me BUT he points out all the time that we are just friends oh !
Men !

ok tata
I usually end with something from FB buts its so dry so till we meet again oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

cherry poping/ bitchy roomates/ ass kicking in school

so people still check my blog, i thought you guys would have given up on me
i thought it was only naija vixen that reads it
anyway i am more "popular' than i expected

Its not my fault , school has been KICKING MY ASS.
i am the genius that decided to take genetics, phys and organic together
God help me!!!

I am having second thoughts about the doctor thing, because I cant take 6- 7 more years of this shit. Ands its not like I really like caring for people sha.

By far the most interesting thing that happened to me was that...WAIT CNG PLEASE STOP READING ITS ABOUT YOUR BROTHERS SEX LIFE
I know with all your "break" nonsense you read more blogs than me.

Okay that I finally cashed by v jeje card. i was getting worried. I was probably the only 20/21 year old virgin alive. Not that they were not enuff people to bang but I wasnt that horny . Most of the time sha. some times it was mucho -el - horno
Nows its done with and I have joined the world of cherry popped women.
as the great philosopher ludacris said "sex aint overated, you just aint doing it rght."

Oh, my roommate is a bitch who will burn in hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a lazy update but i am literally btw classes

Got this from Facebook. According to this - me and YOB are screwed because he at the experimentation stage. What do you guys think???

Now let me hand you some secrets. Boys aint ish! Niccas aint ish! If you are dating a guy 21 -27 odds or he is playing you. As men we go through stages of development. Piaget's Cognitive Development only it's more general. I will break these stages down so you know how to "deal"

Stage 1 – Exploration – This stage happens in men from about age 12-17. This is when the guy is still a virgin. He falls in love easily and is faithful, because he does not know what it means to be unfaithful. He is still exploring the possibilities therefore, he is excited when he finds ANYTHING. This is the time that most girls capitalize on their prize guy. He can be molded at this time to the MAN you want him to be. If you don't get a man at this stage in the game, you might be in trouble.

Stage 2 – Experimentation - This stage happens in men between the ages of 18-25. This is when everything is an experiment or a project. A guy in this stage probably has a wifey but yet has a more convenient girl upstairs that does what wifey doesn't. He holds wifey in high standards, so he doesn't burden her with his fantasy of sexual needs. He experiments on his #2, or #3. He experiments how much his #1 will take. He tries his #1 in public and apologies behind the scenes. He doesn't want to lose wifey but he does not yet know her worth. If you are in a relationship with a guy in this stage, GOOOD LUCCK!! This is the stage that MOST, not all, But most men are cheating, creeping, and just plain out dogging women. But it's up to you to stand up and say, I AINT TAKING THAT ISH! If you don't, you just become another project.

Stage 3 – Contemplation – This stage is real short. It is between the ages of 26-27. During this stage, the guy is pretty much studying his past relationships to see what he did wrong, what girls did him wrong and what he has to do to obtain a good girl. A man in the contemplation stage is a good man to begin a relationship with, but it's going to be hard. He is going to be closed and secretive. Not because he is creeping, but because he does not trust. He has done his dirt in his earlier stages and now he sees these same traits in women. He is watching his footing. He will give you only necessary information. Don't expect him to volunteer any information! A man in this stage cannot be molded. He is already set in his ways, you can only compliment what he has already established.

Stage 4 – Reality - This is the stage you want to cop a husband ladies. If you have not locked him down in Exploration or found one in Experimentation or Contemplation, here is your chance. This stage is open ended. It runs from 28-marriage. This gentleman is the nicest. He is understanding. He is ready to find wifey but he can pick apart ANY woman who does not have wifey traits. He will wine you and dine you and of course he will sex you, BUT 1 flaw and you will be back burner. If you are true, he is true, if you are not true, he is 3x's as dangerous as a guy in stage 2! During stage 4 a man realizes his mistakes even more than in stage 3. He has seen half of his Ex's that he thought he loved, move on and be married. Every marriage takes a toll on him. It tears a piece of his heart out but yet makes him stronger because the reality is, he messed up during his earlier stages.

Well I hope this breakdown helps you ladies find the right man. I'm seeing too many of you guys cling on to someone who doesn't understand your worth. Too many "good" guys are running around here single. While a lot of dogs running around here with two or three.

Monday, March 19, 2007

tyra banks, blog celebs &sisters/ drama

Okay , Okay i will update!! I have been busy and I am a commitmentophobe ( Is that how its is spelt) I have been around blogville. Only that I was just stalking blogs instead of writing.
Big shout out to my blog sis naija vixen on your interview.
Cue oscar music
I am just so happy for you. I promised myself i wasnt going to cry but...... Sha remember us when you become this big presenter on E network!!!

And a blog celeb left a comment on my blog, London Chameleon!! if you know how much I stalk your blog eeeehhhhhh!! You are like sex and the city but only Samantha. Luv ya blog! luv it!!! if you seee how I almost cussed out one stupid oyinbo chick that was wasting time on the school computer. Okay !! she was typing a paper, but I had something more important to do-,my daily dose of your blog!

I have been going thrrough drama with YOB !!Oh my gosh! CNG will fill you on the jist. Its a long story and I dont want to write it sha,. anywayz , he had to placate my fragile heart. You guys know that I am such a softie . so it was Shopping spree !! I have never felt like Julia Roberts in pretty woman so much in my life. I was like "this and that , no this and that, no that doesnt fit, do you have it in another colour?" hehehe . I hope he messes up more so i get shopping sprees! Its so much easier to spend some one else's money hahahah
As fergie say " If you aint have no money take your broke ass home!!!!!" GLAMOROUS baby!!!!!

What else I have to dedicate an entire post to tyra banks, but me thinks that girl suffers from narcissistic personality disorder damn! get this- to honor black history month, tyra does not honor rosa parks or other civil rights pioneers, she doesnt talk about the struggles of black family, she doent talk about racism in America . That BIATCH honors .... you guessed right! her self. She wanted to pay an ode to her Sports Illustrated Cover . According to Tyra that cover " Broke down barriers" Really! so now a racist white guy can masturbate to tyra's picture. Good work girl! you have really broke down the greatest barrier facing black people !And dont get me started on her whole hullballo on being called fat! dang , sorry ma!! we wont call you fat anymore!! although she is getting quite chunke!! chill on the fried chicken girl!! if she really loves and embraces her size why did she dedicate an entire show on how "they photographed her from the wrong angle" Me too , I get photographed from the wrong angle, thats why my photos dont appear so good!! And do you see how she tries to insert her name in every sentence on her show. Well tyra did this . In milan when this person took my picture, you should have moved your neck like this in my vogue photo shoot. "

Anywayz I leave you guys with a joke cos I want to fill space
ps cng why dont you ever comment on my blog?? you know i am a comment asehewo. if you dont comment this minute I will slap you!! BIATHCH!!!

A penis writes to his employer:

Dear sir,

I, Mr Penis hereby request for a raise of salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour. I work in depths. I plunge head first into everything i do. I dont get the weekends and public holidays off. I work in a very damp environment. I work in dark places that have very poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures and the nature of my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

His Employer replies:

Dear Mr penis,

After considering the arguments which you have raised, the administration rejects your requests for the following reasons:
You never work eight hours straight, your fall asleep after brief work periods and you do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You never stay in designated areas and often found visiting other territories. You do not use your initaitives and you often need to be be stimulated in order to start working.
You often leave the work place messy after your shifts and you do not always observe the necessary safety regulation procedures, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
There is a very high tendency you would retire before you are 65, also you are unable to work double shifts and you regularly leave your work area before the task is acomplished.
And, as if these were not enough, you have been continually seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Yours sincerely,
The management.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Which one are you!!??

Saw this in a random place.

A man has 4 different types of girls..1. Wifey2. Baby Girl3. Side Piece4. Jump Off1)

Wifey is the sexiest, most successful and most respected of all thewomen. She is loved, needed and wanted by her man...she is VIRTUALLYIRREPLACEABLE.She is the girl that the guy loves and will always love, he never wants to see her with another man....BUT he will cheaton her with Baby Girl until he is mature enough to realize that ifhe gets caught or fucks up in any way and loses Wifey, he would bescrewed, and NEVER be happy again.Wifey gets along with mom, is independent, never nags, loves to dress sexy for her man, can cook and loves to keep a clean house. Wifey gets called 5 or 6 times a day.Drawback of Wifey, she loves public displays of affection...whichmight intefere with the acquisition of a Side Piece.

2) Baby Girl is ALWAYS just as hot as wifey and usually has a veryactive social life...she IS replaceable, thinks she's the nextWifey, but will only be Wifey if an extreme disaster takes place.Baby Girl gets some of the benefits of Wifey, like quality timeevery now and then and even presents on birthdays and holidays, butthats as far as it goes. The main reason to have Baby Girl is incase Wife really really fucks up, she can be replaced in a matter ofweeks because Baby Girl has been groomed to slip right into herspot. Be careful of Baby Girl, she tends to be just as attached asWifey and therefore can be dangerous to the Side Piece.Biggest benefit of Baby Girl...she is extremely private and hates causing ascene, baby girl can come into the same restaurant as you and wifeyand wifey will have no idea you two even know each other. Baby Girlis a master of disguise as well.

3) Side Piece, usually a female that the guy uses only for sex or otherpleasures, she is usually the one that he goes to for that 3some orsome late night head after the club. When Wifey is acting up and Baby Girl is at work, the Side Piece is usually the one to hold him over for a few hrs.He can meet with the Side Piece for reasons other than sex, but normally that only happens one week during the month. Side Pieces are hard to spot when they are out because mostof her friends are either Wifey's or Jump Offs.Drawback of having more than one side piece, they usually know each other somehow....we kinda think there is a or something. Try to keep your side piece count below 4 if possible.

4) Jump Off...every mans dream and worst nightmare. She is trying tomove up in life, wants to be a Side Piece or Wifey but doesnt knowhow to go about it. They are just the girls he hollas at when he is withhis boys...she is usually stored in the cell phone by a nicknamebecause he barely remembers her real name and where he met her...heonly recalls how fat her ass was. The Jump Off gets called in emergencies only, when wifey is moody, baby girl is on vacation and side piece is with her baby's father. The Jump Off is extremely dangerous in public for a number of reasons, she is usually 5 other guys jump off as well, so she might cause drama with you and one of those dudes if you slip up, she also has no problem confronting youin the mall when you are with Wifey (something that baby girl would NEVER do) and the most dangerous thing about Jump Off...She ALWAYS seems to find out where you live and or work.

I know I am the wifey material!! okeyyy!!!

Monday, February 05, 2007

old men and vixens

Been busy , school, molestations and boyfriends. yeah okay so I went to this store and I was looking Gorgeous FIINEE!!! I was getting attention from the black guys and they were like “ where do you work cos I should be working with you.” and “ I would like to do some research on your body” anywayz those types of lame lines only truly beautiful girls like me hear ohhh. I digress a lot but I have to digress now. Is it that guys can just smell a chick that has a boyfriend so they chase her because when I was single and ready to mingle. I could have flashed by boobs to the entire world and these guys wouldn’t have given me a second glance. Anywayz true to the jacked up stuff that always happens to me, do the fine guys start asking for by number . NO!! This old man that looked like James Brown (that mug shot picture) Not to speak ill of the dead or anything came over. As I saw him walking towards me I am like “God please don’t insult me like this” If a guy is talking to you that mean he thinks he has a chance with you . So this old man really wanted to holler at a sister. I tried to act as if I was talking on the phone. Anyway he came sha and convo went like this.

old man: are you bothered by the guys?

omo naija: no, they are just playing

then the inevitable

old man; where are you from?

omo naija : Nigeria

Old man: I have a son inlaw from Kenya I have my grandsons picture here

he proceeded to look through his wallet but he couldn’t find the picture. thank God. I mean who told this man that I card to see the picture of his grandson

anyway YOB called my phone just in the nick of time. That’s what bobo’s are for sha.

too tired to write more but I have leant that you shouldn’t date your friends brother especially if they have petty sibling rivalry. My gosh !! both of them want to kill me. but before I sign out . Here is something for my favorite blogger naija vixen

you know we are like sisters

through the net I felt our connection

if they were two akara balls left I would give you the last one

even my favorite puff puff will be yours

like Nicole richie and paris Hilton we are Best Friends For Life.

ok have I buttered you up enough!! so naija vixen the beautiful, the talented, the greatest, the nicest,I am in love with d’banj. I know you don’t post music anymore on your blog but I need his music. PLEASE I am on my knees (Seriously ) send his songs/ cd to me. I cant find it anywhere , and don’t say I should buy it cause I am a broke college student. I mean last night when I was with YOB in bed I cried out D’banj!! anyway that lead to a lot of explanation. Ok ok that didn’t really happen but I was thinking of d’banj. I want to have little kokolets and koko masters with him

thanks babes!!!